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The Legacy of Codependence |
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When I first heard the term codependence a few years ago, I couldn’t
figure out what it meant. Was it just a buzz word, a fad? Was it
the invention of pop psychologists or a convenient marketing tool
for the mental health care industry?
My confusion was underlined by the fact that every expert I consulted
had a different definition. One said codependence was preoccupation
with other people and their problems in an attempt to get one’s own
unmet emotional needs satisfied. Another suggested that it was a
pattern of painful dependence on people and on approval to find meaning,
identity, and value. Another expert described codependence as a
disease of relationships in which the real problem was one’s relationship
with one’s self!
The most creative description I came across was this one: codependence
is about growing up depending on someone who’s depending on something
that’s not dependable. This could include anything from abusing alcohol
and drugs to compulsive overworking, overeating, and overdoing almost
anything. An example would be the child left in the car for one or
more hours, enduring heat or cold, while his/her parents are working
in the office.
Today, I use this simple, generic definition of codependence:
“Codependence is the pain in adulthood that comes from being wounded
in childhood, which leads to a high probability of relationship problems
and addictive disorders in later life.” At the Bridge part of our focus
is on the emotional deficits that develop when children grow up in painful
circumstances.
Children of addiction, neglect, and abuse acquire social and emotional
habits that turn on them in adulthood. Survival behaviors such as
compulsive caretaking, martyring, door matting, scapegoating, controlling,
people-pleasing, and approval-seeking are classic examples.
One of the negative emotional habits that codependents develop is
categorical thinking. Everything is black and white with no shades
in between. This always/never way of thinking leads them to
over-react in social situations. Roger, for example, heard that some
of the members of his Sunday school class were dissatisfied with his
teaching methods. Instead of consulting with them on how to make the
class more meaningful, he resigned and joined another class.
Another childlike behavior of codependents is personalization –
interpreting everything that is said and done in their immediate
environment as if it were directed at them. This creates a paranoid
perspective, which leads to defensiveness, hostility, and isolation.
At a meeting with his prayer group, Mark questioned the unwitting use
of sexist language that had begun to occur. Another member of the
group, realizing that he was guilty, assumed that Mark was chiding
him personally. He took offense and dropped out of the group.
A third habit many codependents acquire is what I call obsessive
over-analyzing. The mind goes round and round in circles until the
emotional system either explodes or shuts down as a result of the
overwhelming anxiety that is generated.
Another emotional habit typical of codependents is exaggerating or
“awfulizing”. Children who have grown up in addictive or traumatized
family systems learn to expect the worst. They are constantly waiting
for the other shoe to fall. In adulthood, they are prone to place
the worst possible interpretation on every event. They see neutral
or even positive situations as negative, and they anticipate disaster.
This expectation often sets off an emotional chain reaction that
creates the very thing they most fear. People who are “stuck” in
these immature emotional habits consider them normal. They don’t
know any other way to think/believe/behave. Such individuals are
not at fault! They need gentle and respectful guidance.
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Call Us Toll Free : (877) 866-8661 |
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