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Here are some questions I’d like you to reflect on: Is it
fun being in your family? Does it feel good to be a part
of your family right now? Do you feel that you are living
with people who like and trust you?
Such questions rarely occur to us, says family therapist
Virginia Satir. We just take these relationships for granted.
If there is no crisis, we think everything is OK.
Some adults were called stupid (noisy, clumsy, selfish) so
often by their parents or brothers and sisters when they were
growing up that they “know” nobody liked them. “I sincerely
believed I was so bad that nobody could possibly love me or
want me,” said a college professor. “I’ve spent my whole life
believing that I am undesirable.” am Not surprisingly, this man
is killing himself with overwork.
Recently I heard an elderly woman report that only once in her
life had she ever heard her father speak of her with pride.
“When he did,” she said, “I wept for joy. I waited 45 years
to hear my father say ‘I’m proud of you.’”
When parents demonstrate through their words and actions that
they like their children, the message that ingrains itself in
the child’s mind is, “I am lovable.” If parents demonstrate
that they disapprove of their children, that translates into
the conviction that “something is wrong with me, and I am not
worthy of love.” Whatever the message, the child opens a
“self-respect” file in his mental computer, enters the data, and
saves it to the hard drive.
One of the characteristics of driven, dysfunctional families is
that they have little time for fun. The atmosphere in such homes
is solemn, somber, serious. Parents and children are devoid of
spontaneity. It’s a depressing environment!
The negative atmosphere of such homes is programmed into the child’s
mental computer. He grows up believing that life is a drag. There
is no joy. Occasionally, people who are misprogrammed like this
delete themselves (commit suicide) instead of getting rid of
the negative messages. How much better it is to purge the “virus”
from the system. This is not as easily done with the human mind as
it is with computers, though. (Wouldn’t it be great if we all had
delete buttons we could press to rid ourselves of inappropriate
messages!)
Your answers to the thought-provoking questions at the beginning
of this article may reveal where your family fits on the
functional-to-dysfunctional scale. If you answered Yes, you live
in what we call a nurturing family. If you answered No or
Not Often, you probably live in a family this is more or less troubled.
Self-assessment can be a painful exercise. If you are coming to
realize that your family is imperfect, comfort yourself with the
thought that all families fall somewhere along the continuum
from very nurturing to very troubled.
Most important, recognize that change is possible. If you are able
to acknowledge that there is room for improvement, you have begun
the process.
Sometimes our negative relationship patterns are so deeply ingrained
that we are powerless to change them. Trying harder to have a good
attitude doesn’t work. Determination isn’t enough. Our program for
codependency has helped thousands of people overcome the impact of
those negative messages.
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Call Us Toll Free : (877) 866-8661 |
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